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If Every Guy You Date Is An A+, You Probably Are Too…

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If Every Guy You Date Is An A+, You Probably Are Too…

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We are only capable of being as emotionally intimate as the lovers we choose. We are only capable of being as emotionally intimate as the lovers we choose. There are two kinds of people in this world: the kind who love sweet food and the kind who love salty food. My best friend swears by Oreos. Me? I’ve always been a Pringles kind of gal.There are also two kinds of daters in this world: the kind who fall for sweet guys and the kind who fall for salty guys.My best friend has always been a sucker for the sweeties, falling for men who bathe her in compliments, and adoringly call her “baby,” and bring her soup when she’s too sick to leave her apartment.Men like that never did it for me. Like a masochistic broken record, I dive headfirst into relationship after relationship with the salty guy: the kind who chooses guys’ night over me, and indiscreetly stares at another woman as she walks by, and calls me fat while unapologetically pinching my practically nonexistent arm flab.I once heard we are only capable of being as emotionally intimate as the lovers we choose.

For people like my best friend, this rule manifests itself as good news. It means they lead lives filled with romantic guarantees and pre-planned date nights.But for people like me — the serial assh*le dater — that same rule is bad news. Because every time I take a shot at love, I miss miserably, and I end up leading a love life filled with half-assed promises and unanswered text messages.I have spent the better half of my life wading through a sea of assh*les.There was the guy who paid more attention to his money than he did to me. There was the 10-inch-dicked dickhead whose man parts paled in comparison to the size of his ego. There was the alcoholic who always “forgot” to call me back, and there was the wanderlust-stricken (read: confused) guy who couldn’t stay stateside for more than a consecutive week.I could keep going, but the more I tell you about the ghosts from my past, the less I find myself believing I’ll ever be able to break my romantic patterns.See, aside from their poor manners in love and lack of heart, these scum-of-the-Earth douches all had one thing in common — me.I often get a lot of flak for my poor taste in men: from my happily wed sister, from my good-guy-loving best friend, from my smarty pants therapist. I used to think people like them were all born with some sort of predisposition — a mutated gene or maybe a special computer chip lodged in their brains — that helped them meet nice people. People who love them the way they deserved to be loved.All this time, I thought they were choosing me: like I was the butt of God’s cruelest joke, fated to remain ostracized from the VIP circle of happy, healthy love.But no.

I choose them.There’s something about them that makes me feel alive.To tell you the truth, I don’t think I can do better than them. I truly believe I don’t deserve that selfless, requited, fairytale kind of love I look at from afar and envy.For me, that kind of relationship is always out of reach. And it’s because I’m unsure of myself, and hesitant to let someone really see me for me, and afraid of being abandoned by someone to whom I’ve decided to give my everything.Here is my grand admission: I don’t know how to be emotionally intimate with a man with whom I’m also physically intimate.It’s easy to be emotionally distant with people who, by no coincidence, also happen to be emotionally distant. Keeping the nice guys at arm’s length, I keep the others in close company.It took roughly 15 (I stopped really counting after about the ninth), intensive therapy and one night of downing a bottle of wine to realize my unfortunate truth.I started out believing love should feel like a roller coaster, that the ease and stability the nice guy spoon-feeds me would never be able to parallel the tumultuousness of dating others.But true love isn’t supposed to feel like a roller coaster. It’s supposed to feel like sailing a boat on a calm sea.So this is an admission to those I’ve willingly let into my heart and under my sheets. It wasn’t you guys; it was me. I’ve enabled you. I’ve matched you in your insecurity every step of the way.Yep, you and all your petty problems were nothing but a direct reflection of me and my own.And now, to all the fellow serial daters, know you are the common denominator in all your bad relationships. It’s time to acknowledge it. Ignorance can be bliss, but in this case, it isn’t. It’s asking for heartbreak.Though we can’t help whom we fall for — isn’t that why they call it “falling” in love? — we can work on ourselves in the meantime and hope that one day, hopefully sooner than later, we’ll outgrow that phase.Sherma Sheena

How To Finally Overcome Fear And SPEAK UP When It Truly MattersThe world is waiting to hear from you.Courage, according to Google, is “the ability to do something that frightens [you].” At times, we’re all confronted by things in our lives that scare us. Whether it’s making the leap to leave a job, ending a bad relationship, coming out, or finding the confidence to ask someone out, courage is essential to living a full life.But, being courageous is rarely easy, especially if no one ever taught you how to push through fear. And those looming fears (however real or irrational) mingle into the narrative we tell ourselves about life, hindering us from bravely reaching for what we most want.  Fear paralyzes us at our core.The fear of being abandoned, alone, exiled, isolated; the fear of being trapped, stuck, unable to leave/move or end something that is harming us.

The fear that we are unlovable or that no one will ever truly love us for who we are. When we’re stuck in fear, making rational and logical decisions becomes difficult (even impossible). We focus on fervently outsmarting the thing that scares us, staying safe at all costs from what we don’t want that we don’t make choices that actually move us toward what we really DO want. Have you ever made a decision of fear?Maybe you avoided asking someone out because the prospect of rejection was more than you could bear. Or, perhaps you never sent out that resume because you feared not getting the job. Or, maybe you stayed in an unhappy relationship because the idea of telling your “partner how miserable you were was just too difficult to face?If you’ve done anything like these things, know that, in those moments, fear won out over love.But just because it happened once (or even a few times) doesn’t mean it’s doomed to happen again.The only way out of a life ruled by fear is by summoning the gumption to face those scary thoughts head on; to wrestle with them until a spark of hope rises in you that says: “Risks be damned! I’m going to do what’s right for me.”

 That, my friends, is a true statement of self-love. So say it loud and proud. Make today the day you stop letting fear rule your life. Find your courage and take the risky step needed to claim the life you want. You’ll NEVER be sorry you did.Tango
If You Cheat On Your Partner, You Do Not Love Your Partner. Period.End of story.I never really gave much thought to cheating growing up. I knew what it was but because it was something that was never close to me, it simply wasn’t on my radar. In my mind, it was something you see in movies, something to give what might have been a mundane plot, a bit of a twist. But as we all know, movies and reality are two different beasts entirely.Then when I was about 11 years old, my mother’s best friend, M, got divorced. Because I was close friends with her daughter, I was told that when her mom sat her and her brothers down to explain why their dad was leaving, it was because he loved his secretary instead.

I didn’t realize at the time how much of a cliché it was but what I was able to deduce was that he had cheated. It took him all of one month to get remarried after the divorce was final. Although I wouldn’t get the particulars until years later, that was my first introduction to cheating.When my own husband cheated, I reached out to my mom’s best friend. Now that I was an adult, I could talk to her about it because we’re both victims of a cliché: She was left for her husband’s secretary and I was left for a child… er, I mean a 20-year-old (which, to be honest, is a child since my husband is 48 and has an 18-year-old daughter from a previous relationship).During that discussion, I was finally really able to see just how much of a betrayal cheating is. In my case, I was fortunate enough to not have children with my husband, but M wasn’t so lucky. She had had three children with hers, the youngest being just a baby when he told her he didn’t love her and walked out. And just as my husband tried to justify his own actions, M’s husband did the same.It was the same story of “I used to love you, but now I found this person whom I love better and love more.” Or as it was in my case, “I thought you were my soulmate, but B is my actual soulmate because we both love The Beatles and have the same birthday.”Ah, the babbling rationale of a 48-year-old man who’s going through a midlife crisis.But what I came to realize through all the tears, the drama, and the piles of sh*t I sent through the mail to him is this: My husband never loved me. If you love someone, you don’t cheat on them.

End of story.Call me crazy, but I think there are a lot of components in love. If you genuinely love someone, you respect them, for starters. You also emotionally support them, give them a high-five when they do something great, care for them when they’re sick in bed with the flu, stand by them when things get scary, hold their hand when they need you, and look toward to the future together as a partnership. That’s what love is.So when you cheat on your spouse, you’re cheating on all of that. You’re betraying every single one of those components and essentially making a mockery of what you once dared to call love.If you cheat, what you’ve really done is said, “I don’t love you. I never loved you. I never respected you. I never cared for you. All of this was a lie.”And that’s fine. If you want to erase your past, admitting it was a lie — which is exactly what you do when you cheat — then that’s your prerogative.

It makes you a no-good liar, a cheater and a thief, but you’re entitled to be the person you want to be.Just don’t try to tell anyone that you love or ever loved your spouse if you cheat on them. You’re not only insulting your spouse and the history you had with them but you’re insulting yourself, too. And if you’re a cheater, there’s a huge part of you that thinks you’re right, so why would you want to insult yourself?If you’re anything like M’s husband or my husband, you’re just the innocent victim in all this, right? A victim of love, so to speak.Well, we’ll take care of the insulting of you for you. And it’s definitely NSFW, so I’ll let you, dear cheaters, fill in the blanks. Amanda Chatel

 

Source: dailyguide

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